This guy, let's call him Jonathan, he is married for 10 years. He is 44 years old. He lives with his wife and two boys, 8 and 6, in Boston suburbs. He loves his children, takes them for day trips and cherishes the idea of taking the whole family on hiking/canoeing/camping trips when the boys grow a little older.
He first met his wife while working at local client site and he was struck by her boyish grace and independence. After 10 years and 2 pregnancies Mariana became more feminine, her body more curvy. She had to stay at home after Peter was born because his developmental delay required a lot of attention and her salary didn't cover the expenses associated with the special childcare and special education on top of Early Intervention program. Peter is in kindergarten now, attending regular school as a student on IEP with inclusion as mandated by IDEA (individuals with disabilities education act), so she is thinking about going back to work. Meanwhile she is relying on him as a bread winner. Family interest for her goes ahead of passion. She had a brief fling with co-worker during off-site training. He was told about the affair in such a matter-of-factly way that he had to accept that it was brought up to his attention for closure and not for reassessment of relationship or any sort of conflict. He only had to wonder whether she knew that she was pregnant when she had this affair. She mentioned that she used condom and he trusted her.
Jonathan is a mellow guy with the need to please others. His mother (she was left a widow when Jonathan was 10) wanted him to grow up to be a real man. She never remarried but always put effort into finding male role models for her son, whether is was a wrestling coach on school team, biology teacher in high school or her three subsequent boyfriends who resembled her late husband but unfortunately didn't measure up. His mother is now retired and lives in California by herself, volunteering at homeless shelter and sharing a house with another lady. She visits a couple of times a year, while they visit in February for her birthday.
After his second son was born Jonathan who was 38 then became more aware of himself, his preferences and desires. He feels now that Mariana is a great friend and partner for him but his sexual self is longing for something new. And though he feels that in these 10 years he hasn't met a woman he liked more than Mariana he is attracted to men and can't help it but flirt with them if circumstances permit though in a very concealed way. He had an episode once
when he called his client on his cell because he didn't show up at the office for informal discussion at 9 as expected. It was immediately clear that his client is still in his hotel room with another guy. He excused himself for being late and they postponed the meeting by half and hour (the hotel was across from the office) but there was background voice, noises of pleasurable stretching, tender words spoken "off the phone" in response... Jonathan was amazed at himself, the way he was aroused by this situation, the way he was preoccupied by dreaming about being with this client of his, a young and smooth successful VP in his early thirties. But he never dared to make a move. He exchanged few flirtatious remarks during evening drinks at the bar in hotel lobby. His coworker and some other people from client team were there, so he didn't take it to another level. This was as close as he ever got to hitting on a man. If he took more initiative he felt that it would've worked out between two of them.
This story made me think about the roads we choose. Do me make choices in the childhood when we innocently ask our mothers whether we can change gender "to be like such and such" or "so they accept me in their play"? When we ask whether there is a chance that we turn out to be of opposite gender when we grow up? Do we make choices when we try to be like everyone else - taking vulgarly about the opposite sex and trying to get a date because everyone does? When we marry and have children as our parents did and as everyone else does?
If you are bisexual and your partners are aware of it, you may help someone who is living a lie to untangle his life and experience it to full extent. Going back to monogamous life with the opposite-sex partner can be more fulfilling once you know what the other options are.
Source: Living a lie from "Ask Dr. S.O.S."
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